Checking in with myself
I get very life reflective this time of year.
after I get home from my birthday trip every year, I isolate. I go outside and take walks and buy groceries and take care of things, but my only social activity during that time is the belated birthday dinner with my family. during this time, I think about my last year, the things that touched me and the stuff I hated. these are not linear thoughts.
I'm social after that time before summer ends, but when September starts my Halloween seasonal activities begin and I don't do much outside of those.
at home, I try new things quietly. I engage in stuff that I love intensely. I try on new clothes, donate a lot of stuff, rearrange furniture, and change some of my habits here and there.
this year, I had such an intense and impactful time in Ireland that when I got home I felt like everything was flipped upside down. I was back home, going to places that I went to just 2 weeks ago, but they felt like different places. no, that's not quite right. I'm a different person.
Found in West Virginia
it's not just ireland, it's a lot of things. a lot of things in my life have been building and that trip came at just the right time to synthesize. synthesize with a fucking castle right in front of me.
I've been ripe for some kind of epiphany, although I don't know if that's what I can claim happened. I don't feel like I've had one thought or found the solution to everything. it's been a few days over a month since I got back and I think everything from the flight out to just this moment sitting down to write this post and try to articulate something about it... during this time, it's all been finding its place.
I've been trying new things. I changed up my eating habits and I'm getting veggies daily now. I'm walking more frequently. I moved stuff around to give Zenny another place to sit and myself a little fort to shut away the world when I need to escape. my financial and future plans have morphed with new perspective on where I want my life to go and suddenly it's easier to stick to my budget.
I'm drawing on my new tablet more often than I ever did with other art notebooks. I keep it low-key. I simply look at something in my house and then I draw it. I have a lot of spooky decor that stays up all year so I'm lately drawing skulls.
here's a story from my life: during the pandemic times, isolationville, my virtual work team did virtual game time together during the work day every week. it wasn't required but you didn't have to feel guilty to step away for a break either. we played drawasaurus quite frequently and when you get to a point that you're playing a browser game like that so often, you eventually run out of clues and it goes on repeat. and then as a team it's very easy to guess. so we started applying new guidelines like: only use the wrong colors. only use one color. draw from a certain perspective. we inserted rules to challenge ourselves to draw differently and think differently when guessing. we were just that kind of team, it was great.
I've brought a lot of that mentality into my tablet drawings. I use different colors, I play with the textures, and I try to draw what's on my walls different from what it actually looks like.
I haven't been writing a lot. my inbox has a few emails that I haven't responded to (I'm sorry, I will get back to you though!).
work has been extremely busy and exhausting. I'm doing things I like doing, but the timelines are so tight that I need to focus super hard and it exhausts my brain and then I want to zone out for the rest of the night. it's been a good wave though. we are in a period of intense learning and I'm making documentation instructing people to use a product that I'm literally just learning the previous few days how to use. it's very exciting and fun to narrow the technical "how to" from what the product can do vs how people should use it to achieve the process. it's great but it strips away a lot of mental energy from doing other stuff.
spoon theory. I also need to be mindful of how often I'm using my hands and for what tasks. if I'm furiously typing at work, I'm not doing it much at home.
for that reason and more I've been struggling with writing my summer reflections. I think that tends to be usual this time of year as well, I had similar struggles with my projects the last few years during this time.
because it's a time of reshaping my everyday life, it's hard to reflect on the last 3 months. I'm looking ahead, not behind. that was my last age.
I think I will be listening to the hints and skipping my summer zine. I'll pick that back up in fall. I never mailed spring for reasons wrapped up in everything I said above, so at least mailboxes won't be totally empty.
I've come here to write and share about it because it seems to be a seasonal cycle that I am now noticing since I've been doing this kind of reflection long-term. I've gotten to a point now where I can see the patterns that I was blind to for the better part of my life because I wasn't writing any of it down (or tagging it by season).
it's very fun and enlightening. this year it's very different. I have already planned a possible itinerary for going back to Ireland solo next year, in addition to a trip that my family is potentially planning so we can explore together. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it, but I'm thinking about it.
I also want to recognize the post-birthday late summer block of time as one of my personal microseasons. that's part of my cycle every year.
right after that, fall begins. we've actually had a few fall weather days so far; usually it's much hotter. the evenings are still too warm.